I am newly occupied with religious zeal as I determinedly seek a mate. Part of aging into my mid 30s brings with it a realization that I am old enough to appreciate and secure enough to attract a man worthy of spending intimate blocks of time with me. I have grown weary and bored with creating profile after profile on sites like manhunt and gayforsexnow. I have exhausted my archive stock of personal dick footage and haven't posted a more recent shot of my face than the one I snapped 6 years ago. Details, details. I don't look a day over 27. And I'm barely over 30 in spirit.
How many ways can I convey that my slim, slender, smooth build wants to feel itself against the sweaty, sexed up, touchy-feely man meat that lurks on the other side of cyberspace? I am versatile btm but can versatile top with the butchest. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" or a similar version begotten in bitterness usually fills the field of copy. When my latest manhunt profile hit cyberspace, I decided the time had come to seek alternative venues for hooking up. "Seeking guys with a huge cock who don't transfer their internalized homophobia on to me just because I'm pretty."--- read the latest attempt or something like it.
I'm all about the huge cock, but is that truly the most important feature I desire? And the internalized homophobia. Nothing gets me more hard than a dash of social discourse on gender relations right in the middle of stats. review... Length, girth and ... internalized homophobia. Now I'm wet.
Admittedly, I deserve to be bitch slapped by the first brute who reads it but I must explain the weary reasoning for my bitterness. It stems from eons of time spent in pursuit of the trickiest hookup that boiled over to homophobic slurs and assaults on my gayness. It started with a disdain that originated upon reading a request for "no fems" in profile upon profile. I appreciate just as much masculinity as the next queen but a stab to target the swishy set hits close to home. If those who claim to be butchest were to see me outside of a sexual setting, they would undoubtedly call me nelly, queer, fag and nancy boy. Also described as feminine, I am familiar with the slurs relegated to sissies on the playground.
"Are you a f***ng woman or what?" popped up on my IM -instant message. Since I was being singled out for my flamboyance any hope to achieve brotherhood vanished. The str8s attacked the sissies. Alarms went off in my head and on the site to warn of an attack of the fag-bashing cocksuckers.
I responded with a superior air equivalent to the charity I afforded the mere mortal children who taunted my sissified youth. Believing myself to be naturally superior and evermore evolved, I condescended.
Naturally, my defensive attempts to save face soon took precedence and my original purpose of finding compatible cock fell out of focus.
Bored and disgusted by the carnal beast of the cyber cock, I sought and found other criteria. eHarmony.com is under investigation for a possible class-action lawsuit that claims the website discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. The popularity of matchmaking websites has paved the way and opened avenues for sites more attune to my gay reality as a sex positive singleton with HIV.
Enter poz.com. I burned the midnight oil writing and re-writing upon editing my limit of 700 characters. How was I to adequately and eloquently describe my Hollywood charisma and ultimate search for my postmodern mister right and his sidekick mister happy. And all within the 7 square miles that makes up San Francisco. Add the poz factor to that, minus the mediocrity of those men who can't possibly exist on the same level as myself and throw out the ethnicity of non-Aryan types save one or two Lotharios and maybe three Brazilian bombshells and you have my mystery date.
My resulting profile reads as follows:
France Fell but Edie Didn't Fall (A non sequitur headline paying homage to my patron saint. Edith Bouvier Beale of Grey Gardens) -- a perfectly random addition to the blended insanity of my sex poz life.
gayqueerfag (a handle spouting anthem of "gay shame" -- I'm reclaiming the epithets as powerful.
I wish to meet someone like me. That's a non-typical, passionate, intelligent, attractive gay guy with intense star quality and major wow factor. Sex positive, queerly realized and campy enough to strike awe. Must be physically compatible and completely in sync.
THE BASICS
I am a:
male
seeking a:
male
male
for:
dating, friendship, relationship, sexual encounters
dating, friendship, relationship, sexual encounters
I identify as:
gay
gay
I have been positive since:
2002
2002
APPEARANCE
My build:
slim
My height:
5' 10''
My eyes:
green
My hair:
brown
My ethnicity:
white
My body art:
tattoos
My build:
slim
My height:
5' 10''
My eyes:
green
My hair:
brown
My ethnicity:
white
My body art:
tattoos
WORK
My education:
college grad
My area of work or study:
non-profit/community based
My annual income:
none of your business
My education:
college grad
My area of work or study:
non-profit/community based
My annual income:
none of your business
LIFESTYLE
Smoke?
No, but I would date a smoker
Drink?
socially
Drugs?
I will tell you later
My scene:
other
In a social setting, I'm:
I will tell you later
My favorite music:
Broadway showtunes, standards, American Idol, off-the-chart one-hit-wonders, Pussy Tourette
My favorite movies:
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Valley of the Dolls, The Women, Stage Door, Grey Gardens, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Hustler White, Wizard of Oz, Talk to Her
My favorite books:
My Face For All the World to See, Day of the Locust, Oliver Button is a Sissy, Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black, The Bouviers
My favorite TV:
Kathy Griffin- My Life on the D List, Project Runway, Ugly Betty, All My Children,
My favorite foods:
Oatmeal, Frosted Shredded Mini-Wheats, Fruit, Balance bars
PERSONAL DETAILS
My relationship status:
single
My kid status:
I do not want kids
My health status:
no major complaints
Any other sexual history, including STD's, that you want to share?
"In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice." - Marquis de Sade
My religion:
spiritual, but not religious
I speak:
French, English
My politics:
liberal
My astrological sign:
Virgo
I'm interested in:
community service, working out, movies, photography, reading, theater
Smoke?
No, but I would date a smoker
Drink?
socially
Drugs?
I will tell you later
My scene:
other
In a social setting, I'm:
I will tell you later
My favorite music:
Broadway showtunes, standards, American Idol, off-the-chart one-hit-wonders, Pussy Tourette
My favorite movies:
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Valley of the Dolls, The Women, Stage Door, Grey Gardens, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Hustler White, Wizard of Oz, Talk to Her
My favorite books:
My Face For All the World to See, Day of the Locust, Oliver Button is a Sissy, Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black, The Bouviers
My favorite TV:
Kathy Griffin- My Life on the D List, Project Runway, Ugly Betty, All My Children,
My favorite foods:
Oatmeal, Frosted Shredded Mini-Wheats, Fruit, Balance bars
PERSONAL DETAILS
My relationship status:
single
My kid status:
I do not want kids
My health status:
no major complaints
Any other sexual history, including STD's, that you want to share?
"In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice." - Marquis de Sade
My religion:
spiritual, but not religious
I speak:
French, English
My politics:
liberal
My astrological sign:
Virgo
I'm interested in:
community service, working out, movies, photography, reading, theater
More about you:
I think critically and consider myself an atypical fag. I spend time alone because I lack enough patience to deal with the banality of most people. I am an adopted, only child and was conditioned early on to believe that the whole world revolved around me. Or wish it did. I maintain an internal Rolodex of imaginary friends gleaned from pop culture. I'm always up on the headlines and view life with an activist spirit bent on social justice. I'm seeking someone who makes me say wow but I'll settle for starstruck. I love to run outdoors. Running makes me a better person. The number 5150 is tattooed on my right bicep. The word doll is on my left. I have yet to implement my ultimate purpose.
I think critically and consider myself an atypical fag. I spend time alone because I lack enough patience to deal with the banality of most people. I am an adopted, only child and was conditioned early on to believe that the whole world revolved around me. Or wish it did. I maintain an internal Rolodex of imaginary friends gleaned from pop culture. I'm always up on the headlines and view life with an activist spirit bent on social justice. I'm seeking someone who makes me say wow but I'll settle for starstruck. I love to run outdoors. Running makes me a better person. The number 5150 is tattooed on my right bicep. The word doll is on my left. I have yet to implement my ultimate purpose.
More about who you're looking for:
I'm in search of someone intelligent and random and kooky and irreverent with an enviable sense of style. Sex positive and campy a plus. I want to meet someone with enough varied interests to hold mine. Shared values regarding the body and its upkeep are pluses. No sexual hangups and enough wherewithal to awaken the potential for shared passion. Tactile/loves to kiss. I want to be impressed with your package, physical,spiritual, mental, but not so much that I deem myself unworthy of your attention. Must be evolved beyond my plateau and able to appreciate just how damn special I am. Film Enthusiasts welcome. A provocateur of pornographic esteem. Someone I could fall for.
That about sums me up as neatly as I can box into a limited field of under 1000 words. Do I sound smart? Cultured, Evolved? How about with-it? And in touch with the feminine side of my masculinity or vice versa? Did I convey how much I value physical fitness and the ascetic beauty of the male genitalia without coming across as gauche or a blowhard in search of a blowjob for that matter?
I'm in search of someone intelligent and random and kooky and irreverent with an enviable sense of style. Sex positive and campy a plus. I want to meet someone with enough varied interests to hold mine. Shared values regarding the body and its upkeep are pluses. No sexual hangups and enough wherewithal to awaken the potential for shared passion. Tactile/loves to kiss. I want to be impressed with your package, physical,spiritual, mental, but not so much that I deem myself unworthy of your attention. Must be evolved beyond my plateau and able to appreciate just how damn special I am. Film Enthusiasts welcome. A provocateur of pornographic esteem. Someone I could fall for.
That about sums me up as neatly as I can box into a limited field of under 1000 words. Do I sound smart? Cultured, Evolved? How about with-it? And in touch with the feminine side of my masculinity or vice versa? Did I convey how much I value physical fitness and the ascetic beauty of the male genitalia without coming across as gauche or a blowhard in search of a blowjob for that matter?
Never content to sit in idle anticipation for the flood of cyber winks that would fill my inbox to runeth over, I perused the matching postings in search of a geographically close-by suitor.
The following profiles prompted the witty, scathing responses that follow: Submitted as online "flirts" to individual inboxes:
Profile of Boytoy- age 35
I am a 35 year old good looking white guy. 5'9", 140 lbs., lean swimmers body, with a bubble butt, versatile to bottom. I am looking for versatile to top Latin or white guys/couples for friendship and maybe more. I enjoy the beach, traveling, and listening to music. --
I am a 35 year old good looking white guy. 5'9", 140 lbs., lean swimmers body, with a bubble butt, versatile to bottom. I am looking for versatile to top Latin or white guys/couples for friendship and maybe more. I enjoy the beach, traveling, and listening to music. --
My size-up critique?
I thought him a bit long in the tooth to still be called a boy-toy. That's an honor bestowed to the twink set. This toy is not privy to the SMS speak of modern text messaging.--- He should practice curt brevity with the edited VGL GWM, vers, bubble butt iso same or MSMM latin.
This is what I wrote to him.
Subject: still a boytoy??...Sent: Aug 8,
2007 9:01 AM
You're a cute one, aren't you? Totally cute. Consider it a compliment. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (he listed as favorite) is a
Pedro Almodovar film. Have you seen the others? Let's hook up on manhunt.
xxxoo mta
# 2-- In response to sfca415. Headline= Breathe:
Subject: They always have to remind me to breathe --Sent: Aug 8, 2007 8:54 AM
I'm not cruising you because I know you're with partner but I just wanted to
convey my appreciation for the character you described in your profile. You are
very well-spoken. I relate to almost everything that you said and easily could
have plagiarized the copy for my own profile. I sense a serenity that is lacking
in my own frenetic laundry list of traits although I'm totally with you on the
level. nice to embark upon you. cheers mta
#3 caught my fancy with his reported confession to favor Broadway show tunes. A fag worth fucking in love with Broadway-- perish the thought.
Coinciding with a reported income topping out at 100K+ and professed fondness for Pedro Almodovar films--- but his devotion to religious rituals and identification as Catholic stirred the sin in my loins. Not to mention the ethnicity of any name ending in a vowel.
Subject: Saints, Broadway and Almovodar sent:
Aug 8, 2007 8:00 AM
Antonio, Are you Italian? I am. (too
cute--- stifle a gag)
I'm compelled to let you know that we share an interest in particular
movies and music. Pedro Almovodar is fantastic. (and don't I know
him personally, she said)
You know he discovered Penelope Cruz... (although he said
I was much funner, right Edie?)
You are the only person I have met outside of the Best of Broadway
who claims to appreciate Broadway musicals in capital letters. I thought my predilection for Broadway was confirmation that my interests were
stereotypically gay. (oh, surely you jest-- now
stop)
Congrats for breaking the mold. Thanks for representing. (Kudos to you babe)
Oh-- regarding your claim to appreciate religious rituals and the
like...(lest I forget...)
I assume you mean the most Holy Communion and Confirmation? FYI, (twitters :)
I received both. (straight from my the heart of my very
own Eucharistic minister)(in case you wereI'm also guilty of committing all (count- em-- all) 33 (one for each of my years) of the official mortal sins as defined by the Catholic church.
thinking of Mary Catherine Gallagher...)They are:
- Abortion, 2. Anger, 3. Adultery 4. Amending the words of the Holy Bible, (paraphrasing or
plagiarizing material for personal gain) 5. Blasphemy against
the Holy Spirit (Damn that ghost) 6. Carousing,
7.Cowardice (yellow-bellied lions lack courage)
8. Defrauders, (especially
check frauders and paper-hangers of the mail fraud variety)
9. Dissensions (any disagreement or difference of opinion 10. Disrespect towards parents, (aka dishonoring the 12th commandment
not to be confused with the 12th step of Alcoholics Anonymous) 11.
Drunkenness, (especially public)
12.Enmities, (like the one Tori Spelling harbors for
Shannon Doherty) 13. Envy, (Green
like Lindsay Lohan's complexion after a hurl)
14. Factions (Rosie vs. Elizabeth) 15. Faithless or the lack of faith
i.e. not of the faith" often used to describe one's preference for
fisting or some other odd sexual practice. 16. Bearing
false witness (liars) (tiny, white lies don't count as
much as big, whopping ruses) 17. Fornicators aka committing of pornication, usually between a man and a woman devoid of the sacrament of
marriage. See "thy shall covet thy neighbor's ass"
18. Greed, (the
lifeblood of 1980s capitalist consumerism) 19.
Holy Communion received while in a state of mortal sin, -- (as
opposed to a state of smut or kink) 20.
Idolatry, (Ryan Idol
notwithstanding-- or Tom Cruise's Magnolia mantra "respect the
cock")
21. Impurity, (Thoughts etc) 22.
Jealousy, (Not to be confused wit
23. Licentiousness, (moral depravity i.e. lewdness) 24. Lewdness
(see licentiousness) 25. Love and practice falsehoods, (don't
lie and say you love me when you really don't. or Don't profess
to be str8 when you're really gay can be. 26. Male
prostitution, aka hustling on the blvd 27. Murderers, (like the Sopranos) 28. Pollution (Al Gore is watching)
29. Quarrelling, (damn you Stella. don't be cross) 30.
Sodomites, aka the practice of anal sex with
another queer
31. Sorcery, (not to be confused with
witchcraft) 32. Strife, see
discord esp. urban 33. Thieves,
(steal/robbers) i.e.
gypsies, tramps &...And I still receive communion on the most holy high holidays. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? I hope I haven't blabbed you to boredom but I must let you know that you managed to catch my interest. For what it's worth. Wow.mta
And on to ponder the philosophical pursuit of chaotic man-frenzy...
Subject: dancing star notwithstanding Sent: Aug 8, 2007 6:30 AM to Nietzche philosophical queen
I have a journal with that Nietzsche quote on the cover. It accurately sums up the state of my karma. I'm in the process of becoming one with my dancing star. snaps! mta (and double kudos to my wonder twin star karma-- like Jem and the Hologram- ...for crissake...)
Alliterative astro-logic for an astro-boy
Subject: zen of zodiac Sent: Aug 8, 2007 6:28 AM
Your profile caught my attention and elicited a pleasant surprise when I discovered you were Pisces, the most compatible astrological sign matching my Virgo. They're opposite ends of the spectrum-- isn't that freaky that I was on the same wavelength? I'm not as frivolous as the above statement implies. (honest I'm not, giggled the vixen dixie- boop-boop-de-oop) mta
Your profile caught my attention and elicited a pleasant surprise when I discovered you were Pisces, the most compatible astrological sign matching my Virgo. They're opposite ends of the spectrum-- isn't that freaky that I was on the same wavelength? I'm not as frivolous as the above statement implies. (honest I'm not, giggled the vixen dixie- boop-boop-de-oop) mta
And on to far reaching latitudes... I still have no idea who the hell Gilbert and George are or what happened in their interview with Mark Francis circa 1981. (see below) But I googled the dickens out of this elitist attempt at acheiving hyper-culture. Alas, I simply cannot compete with the likes of the Donnas. Tiffany meets Kelly Ripa = mall rats+rat fuck= ratted hair
Subject: Donnas were from Jersey Sent: Aug 8, 2007 6:19 AM
Hey Hello I happened upon your profile and it intrigued me enough to google Gilbert and George, Interview with Mark Francis 1981. You know what's really funny? You represented and accurately summed up what you were looking for enough to tempt me to plagarize and cut and paste the field on to my profile. Instead, I opted for the overly wordy, less descriptive version currently featured.
(and hip to be square) I am so down with...
"A guy who pushes back"
Exactly. I should have thought of it. Brilliant. Also, I thought I was one of few people who appreciated the Donnas. (putrid mall rats) For what it's worth, I think you're groovy. (like totally, Greg) Back at'cha and Kudos (and one to grow on-- hot-stuff) --mta
To conclude with homage to my french bitch. Phuque my pussy, Pussy says.
Subject: Bonjour Sent: Aug 8, 2007 9:04 AM
Je m'appelle Michael. J'adore les gens francais.
Je m'appelle Michael. J'adore les gens francais.
Voulez-vous mon-toit si-vous plait? wink, wink...
And so it goes. The end of my mating call. If this new cat and mouse game is evidence of the fun to come, I must shift gears from yesterday's dick pic and focus on the wit and coy banter of my cyber sin confessions. Lying and utter dissension topthe list as most abused mortal sins. When HIV positive status just isn't enough to create a faction, a professed preference for foreign cinema and a predilection for all invasive sin is the penultimate next best thing. This most contemporary of urban rituals will have me surfing the sexual marketplace ISO LTR for NSA in no time. MSM, queer, BB, poz,(sex) harm redux, idu, pornicating sinner seeks anonymous fuck.
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